10 ways to marry the wrong person

1. You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change after

you're married.
The classic mistake. Never marry potential. The golden rule is, if you
can't be happy with the person the way he or she is now,
don't get married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, "You
actually can expect people
to change after their married... for the
worst!" So when it comes to the other person's spirituality, character,
personal
hygiene, communication skills, and personal habits, make
sure you can live with these as they are now.

2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than
on
character.
Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it burning. Beware
of
the "I'm in love" syndrome. "I'm in love" often means, "I'm in lust."
Attraction is there, but have you carefully checked out
this person's character? Here are four character traits to definitely
check for:

Humility: Does this person believe that "doing the right thing" is more
important
than personal comfort? Do I want to be more like this person? Would I
like
my child to turn out like him or her?
Kindness: Does this person enjoy giving pleasure to other people? How
does s/he
treat people s/he doesn't have to be nice to? Does
s/he do volunteer work? Give charity?
Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to do what s/he says s/he's
going to do?
Happiness: Does this person like himself? Does s/he enjoy life? Is s/he
emotionally
stable?

Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this person? Do I want to have
a
child with this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or
her?

3. You pick the wrong person because the man doesn't understand what a

woman needs most.
Men and women have unique emotional needs, and more often than not, it
is
the man who just doesn't "get it." Jewish tradition places the onus on
the man to understand the emotional needs of a woman and to
satisfy them. The unique need of a woman is to be loved-to feel that
she is the most
important person in her husband's life. The husband needs to give her
consistent, quality attention.

This is most apparent in Judaism's approach to sexual intimacy. The
Torah
obligates the husband to meet the sexual needs of his wife. Sexual
intimacy is always on the woman's terms. Men are goal-oriented,
especially when it comes this area. As a wise woman once pointed out,
"Men have two speeds: on and off." Women are
experience-oriented. When a man is able to switch gears and become more
experience-oriented, he
will discover what makes his wife very happy. When the man forgets
about
his own needs and focuses on giving his wife pleasure, amazing things
happen.

4. You choose the wrong person because you do not share a common life
goals and priorities.
There are three basic ways we connect with another person:
1. chemistry and compatibility
2. share common interests
3. share common life goal

Make sure you share the deeper level of connection that sharing life
goals
provide. After marriage, the two of you will either grow together or
grow apart. To avoid growing apart, you must figure out what you're
"living for," while you're single-and then find someone who has come
to the same conclusion as you. This is the true definition of a "soul
mate." A soul mate is a goal mate
two people who ultimately share the same understanding of life's
purpose and therefore share the same priorities, values and goals.

5. You choose the wrong person because you get involved sexually too
quickly.
Sexual involvement before the commitment of marriage can be a big
problem
because it often precludes a fully honest exploration of important
issues. Sexual involvement tends to cloud one's mind. And a clouded mind
is not
inclined to make good decisions. Of all the studies done on divorce,
sexual incompatibility is never cited
as a main factor. It is not necessary to take a "test drive in order to

find out if a couple is sexually compatible. If you do your homework
and
make sure you are intellectually and emotionally compatible,you don't
have
to worry about sexual compatibility. Of all the studies done on
divorce,
sexual incompatibility is never cited as a main reason why people
divorce.

6. You pick the wrong person because you do not have a deeper emotional

connection with this person.
To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional connection or not, ask:

"Do I respect and admire this person?" This does not mean, "Am I
impressed
by this person?" We are impressed by a Mercedes. We do not respect
someone
because they own a Mercedes. You should be impressed by qualities of
creativity, loyalty, determination, etc. Also ask: "Do I trust this
person?" This also means, "Is he/she emotionally stable? Do I feel I
can
rely on him/her?

7. You pick the wrong person because you choose someone with whom you
don't feel emotionally safe.
Ask yourself the following questions: Do I feel calm, peaceful and
relaxed
with this person? Can I fully be myself and express myself with this
person? Does this person make me feel good about myself? Do you have a

really close friend who does make you feel this way? Make sure the
person
you marry makes you feel the same way! Are you afraid of this person in

any way? You should not feel you need to monitor what you say because
you are
afraid of how the other person will view it. If you're afraid to
express
your feelings and opinions openly, there's a problem with the
relationship. Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to
change you.

Another aspect of feeling safe is that you don't feel the other person
is
trying to control you. Controlling behaviors are a sign of an abusive
person. Be on the look out
for someone who is always trying to change you. There's a big
difference between "controlling" and "making suggestions."
A suggestion is made for your benefit; a control statement is made for

their benefit.

8. You pick the wrong person because you don't put everything on the
table.
Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be brought up for

discussion. Bringing up the uncomfortable stuff is the only way to
evaluate how well the two of you communicate, negotiate, and work
together. Over the course of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably
arise. You need to know now, before making a commitment: Can you
resolve
your differences and find compromises that work for both of you?
Never be afraid to let the person know what bothers you. This is also a

way for you to test how vulnerable you can be with this person. If you
can't be vulnerable, then you can't be intimate. The two go
hand in hand.

9. You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to escape

from personal problems and unhappiness.
If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy and married,

too. Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and emotional
problems.If anything, marriage will exacerbate them. If you are not
happy with yourself and your life, take responsibility to
fix it now while you are single. You'll feel better, and your future
spouse will thank you.

10. You pick the wrong person because he/she is involved in a
triangle.
To be "triangulated" means a person is emotionally dependent on someone
or
something else while trying to develop another relationship. A person
who
hasn't separated from his or her parents is the classic example of
triangulation. People can also be triangulated with things as well,
such
as work, drugs, Internet, hobbies, sports or money. Be careful that you

and your partner are free of triangles. The person caught in the
triangle cannot be fully emotionally available to
you. You will not be their number one priority. And that's no basis for
a marriage.